This past weekend was my sweet nieces 2nd birthday so I found myself in Chicago. Thursday was her actual birthday and my sister sent us pictures with G in a sombrero, which was adorable! Obviously they were at a Mexican restaurant and I knew which one…Que Rico’s. This was the same restaurant we were at on Maxwells last night here. After looking through the pictures and smiling at each one because G is so adorable and mischievous all at the same time. I couldn’t help but to wonder if I could or would ever go back there.
We got to Chicago around 4 and everyone was talking about what we should do for dinner and my brother yells out, “Mexican, Que Rico’s!” In my brothers defense they have great food and the most delicious and potent margaritas! 🙂 I realized then that my wondering a couple of days ago were quickly becoming a choice I was going to have to make soon. Too soon. Don’t get me wrong I’ve thought of that place often and what I would feel going back and requesting to sit at the same table I last sat with my sweet baby, but they were just that, thoughts, not actions. So what was my decision you wonder…like a coward I gave my opinion of, “I’m so tired, I’d rather stay in and just eat here.” Yep. That was my response. My non decision if you will. I’m not proud of it, but I didn’t have it in me to muster up the courage to put on a face and act like I was fine and happy when I would be feeling everything but that. To make my decision even more cowardly I was one of the last people to respond and luckily the majority was in my favor. So my brother and his wife went to Que Rico’s by themselves (great date night for newlyweds).
I’m posting this very late considering G’s birthday was in July but sometimes I start these and either can’t finish them or just get too deep in that dark place of my mind that I don’t want to be in for long and need a break. I still haven’t gone but I know I will one day, when the time is right, and true to form I’ll go by myself. I’ll go by myself so that I don’t feel the pressure of having to be ‘on’ for those around me who I know care about me and will therefore be watching my every move. I’m thankful for them but when the time is right and I do go back, I want that moment for myself. Selfish, I know, but if I feel closer to Maxwell there even for the briefest of moments I’m not ready to share that. I know he is always with me and looking over me but it’s not the same as holding him and feeling him in my arms. He was my first love and always will be so I will hold onto hope that the places we went together will always make me feel closer to him. I love you and miss you so much my sweet Maxwell.
Until next time