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Bittersweet

Most of my days tend to have this never ending theme and I’m beginning to grow accustomed to it. Today was Emery’s 4 month check up (inner fist pump bc we made it) and it went great!!! What I realized at that checkup is I’ve been “holding” my breath, my whole body filled with nerves, and today I released it. Not all of it but a lot of it. I knew I was counting down to 4 months because in my mind I knew that’s all the time I was going to be given with my beautiful baby before she was taken from me, like Maxwell. Now that I’ve reached the 4 month mark I’m so relieved and still nervous. I’m a “new” mom in some ways because I don’t know what lies beyond this point in terms of getting to watch my baby grow but the one thing I do know is that I’m beyond excited and blessed to get to watch my sweet Emery grow every day. I can’t explain how jubilant (because happy doesn’t touch it) I feel inside when I get to wake up to her sweet voice, even if she’s crying, because I know I get one more day. My therapist continues to remind me that’s all any of us have, is today. My rebuttal to this is I unfortunately am no longer blissfully unaware of what can and does happen in life. For me it was always something that happened to someone who knew someone. It never happened close to home…until it happened to me. I felt like throwing Emery a 4 month birthday party because that’s how excited I was to make it to this point; that’s the sweet part. The bitter part is that Maxwell never got the chance to grow and reach milestones and that makes me so sad, for him and for me. Everyday I feel pure joy watching Emery grow and getting to cuddle and hold her close but I also feel sadness because I miss my Maxwell. I miss what he doesn’t get to do/experience. Everyday is bittersweet and I feel myself being pulled in 2 different directions. Happiness for Emery, sadness for Maxwell and guilt for feeling both.
Today the sweetness takes the lead. I’m over the moon to know I get another day with my sweet Emery and I will not take that for granted. I guess that is one of the positives….I was given perspective. Perspective of how short and sweet life truly is and that in turn makes me cherish the moments and days I do get.
Bare with me while I get this blog thing down. 🙂 Until next time xoxo

FL&R

+ - 5 comments

Courtney - This is so well written! I really felt the words I was reading. 🙂 I can’t wait to read more about how Emery is growing and how you grow as her mommy. Maxwell smiles down on you every day! XOXO love you.

Kelly - I love that you are keeping a blog now. And congrats to Emery for making it to the 4month mark! I know it’s been a challenge for you but she is living for herself and for you and likely Maxwell is living through her. I like to think that if it weren’t for Maxwell departing so soon, you may not have been blessed with Emery in which case knowing her now and loving her the way you do, imagine never having her.. It’s not a fun thought! Not to say that having Maxwell still is a trade off but to put into perspective the love and how it’s ok to evenly distribute it while still feeling sad for the loss….. She’s a gift from Maxwell and you deserve every ounce of the sweet to outweigh the bitter. Love you!

Lisa - You are my hero my beautiful amazing sister in law- your courage in the face of such adversity was inspiring and emery , ahhh, sweet emery:)

Sharissa Haq - What an amazing story Paige! Im so sorry for your loss of Maxwell, however Emery is gorgeous and lucky to have you and your husband for parents! I can tell by your blog that you are still that same sweet, caring, loving person that I had the benefit of knowing throughout our grade school years! I hope you will continue to write your blog and hope to see you at the 10yr high school reunion later this year!

Jan Lucas - Beautifully written Paige. Keeping writing and I will keep reading.