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Halloween

I’m not for sure if I already mentioned this but when I was pregnant with Maxwell there were 3 other ladies at work pregnant as well. So of course we talked about our morning sickness, cravings, and compared our registries to make sure we all had everything we thought we needed. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I ended up going first which was a huge surprise because I prepared myself for going a week late. My original due date for Maxwell, if I’m remembering correctly was October 28th, I used to call him my little Halloweenie and with that day drawing near I have found myself growing very anxious. It’s not just his due date but Halloween as well and it took me some time, and a friend pointing it out before I realized what was happening, I’ve been a ball of nerves and anxiety on the inside while trying to overcompensate on the outside so that people couldn’t tell that I was struggling. I almost fell for it myself until I realized the truth. Last Halloween I came into work knowing that my job allows parents to bring their kids in and trick or treat and I honestly thought I would be fine…..as you can guess I was wrong. I remember sitting at my desk and overhearing this sweet boy say, “Mommy I got this for you, it’s your favorite candy.” I. LOST. IT. I couldn’t stop crying and had to send my boss an email telling him I had to leave. I remember that day with such clarity that I even know exactly what I was wearing, I remember the bubbly/giddy mood I was in and only now that I look back do I realize it is the same way I’ve been feeling all week and that scares me. When I heard that little boy say those sweet words to his mom it was a reminder that my happiness was a facade and that I would never get to hear my sweet Maxwell say my name, tell me he loves me, or pick a piece of Halloween candy just because he knows it’s MY favorite, not his. These are things my heart longs for everyday.

One of the girls I was pregnant with had a beautiful daughter and Emery goes to the same daycare as her and she loves “baby Emery”! The other day Ashley came to me and as we were discussing life and different paths she tells me she’s sorry, and I don’t remember exactly the words said but I told her that she never has to be sorry because seeing her daughter grow gives me some insight as to where Maxwell would be and what he would be doing at this age. Yes, it’s hard and sad to think about but I try to push those negative thoughts away and live vicariously through them and just for a moment allow myself to get lost in the daydream that this is what Maxwell would be doing and saying to me and in that moment I’m whole, complete, and missing nothing. In that moment I have both my babies and everything is as it should be.

Sometimes it takes saying something out loud to realize how much truth it holds. At first I was saying it to ease Ashley’s mind but no sooner had the words left my mouth that I realized how true they were. ย I can only hope they eased Ashley’s mind and heart as much as they eased mine.

until next time xoxo

FL&R

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Aftermath

Maxwells’ birthday has come and gone and nothing changed. I don’t know what I thought would change but maybe it was more of an internal hope. Hope that this was all a terribly bad nightmare, hope that I would be instilled with some enlightening thought as to why this happened. Not the full reason just a hint or glimpse into why but September came and went and I’m not any different, except for the expanded emptiness I feel. It’s this annoying, tapping me on the shoulder kind of feeling as to remind me that I’m missing something, in case I had forgotten. I want to yell back I KNOW, ENOUGH WITH THE TAPPING!!!! But I don’t. What’s the point? I know it won’t change anything

I won’t lie or try to sugar coat it…this month has been awful and unbearable. I’m left with a lot of anxiety, questions, and no answers. That’s the hardest part- no one, at least not here in this life, has the answers I’m searching for and that is very challenging, if not impossible, for me to accept. I try, I really do but how can you just accept that your child was taken from you for no other reason than for the “bigger picture”. Even if you pray to accept this I don’t think you’ll ever truly accept it. I think it will always be something you pray to accept, where some days are better/easier than others when you feel you have clarity and other days you feel like you can’t see past your hand and you don’t want to. For all intents and purposes I’m going to say that stubbornness is situational. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I want to say I wish things were different but then I stop myself because if I never lost Maxwell I may have never gotten Emery so it’s a difficult thought to have. I just want them both, here, together. I was laying Emery down to sleep and my thoughts immediately went to Maxwell and how he should be tugging at my pant leg while I’m trying to calm Emery down to sleep and all the while she is just laughing at her brother being silly, but then I shake my head to pull myself from my fantastic daydream and give Emery a kiss goodnight and tell her to dream of her brother.

September has left me feeling hungover and not in the oh my gosh I’ll have great stories for the rest of my life kind of way but the hangover that leaves you questioning what kind of person you are. I used to know exactly who I was (give or take a couple things) and then I lost Maxwell and in turn lost myself. I keep hoping for the clarity and insight that I once had but instead this month has passed and all I know for sure, my one constant, is that I am and always will be a Mommy.

until next time xoxo

FL&R

+ - 1 comment

Jan - Poignant words from the heart of a mother struggling with the lost no mother should ever experience.

Maxwell

There isn’t a blog or book big enough to hold all of my thoughts, love, and prayers I have for this sweet boy. I miss him everyday and my soul hurts and will remain incomplete for the rest of my days. When you have a child everything you thought you knew about love goes out the window because you have never and will never feel a love like this. The love of having a child is all encompassing; it’s Utopia.

I was so worried when I first had Maxwell because he was born at 34 1/2 weeks due to my sever preeclampsia and I thought I had failed him. I was so upset with myself and worried that I wouldn’t have that moment where he became mine and I became his, but I was wrong. The first time I held him I threw up all over myself because of the magnesium they had to put me on due to my preeclampsia. The second time, I was free of the magnesium and so nervous because I desperately wanted that connection and when they wheeled me into the nursery and I held him for the second time, it was pure clarity. I was so worried I wouldn’t recognize him and he wouldn’t recognize me but the moment they put that sweet baby in my arms there was absolutely no denying that he was mine and I was his. I remember looking at him and thinking oh my goodness he looks just like me; same coloring, just a mini mini me. I started crying and leaking at the same time and I remember looking up at Mark and saying, “I’m leaking” and he said, “from where?” I just laughed because I was so happy that my body was responding to him, not only physically but emotionally as well. Those next 2 weeks passed slowly and quickly all at the same time. I cried every time I had to leave him in nursery as they put him in the incubator, just wondering what I had done wrong. Mark would hold me and say, “look at him, he’s living it up. Laying out in the warm sun and being shielded from all of those crying babies.” I always laughed at this because as I watched Maxwell he was all stretched out and comfy as can be…Mark was right, he was perfect and loving it! I know this will make Mark sad but he would always say, “When he turns 1 we will look back on all of this and laugh.” Now his 2nd birthday is tomorrow and I would give anything to hear him laugh, say my name, hear him tell me he loves me, know what his first word would be, and I would give anything to know what he likes and all the new things he’s doing and learning at 2 but I don’t get any of that and I’ll wait an entire lifetime just to get the chance to know him.

I will always remember his first smile, first chuckle (didn’t quite make it to the laugh), how happy he was in the morning, how he fell asleep in my arms, how he loved going for walks and rides in the car, how he only slept for 2 hr stretches and then towards the end made it to 4hrs and I felt like I could run a marathon, how he fell asleep to me singing the same 3 songs I always sang him, and the way I would try and sneak in and out of his room to check on him. These are things I pray I will never forget.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet baby! Happy 2nd Birthday Maxwell Wilson Lieberman, 3lbs 6oz and 17in long! May God always keep you warm, safe, and loved with all the hugs and kisses heaven has to offer!

Always my love, always

until next time xoxo

FL&R

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Idle Mind

As Maxwells birthday gets closer I can feel the stress and tension mounting. I try to prepare myself for the inevitable mind numbing, painstaking, devastating blow, but it doesn’t help. It would be better if I was just unaware of time, then I would be caught off guard and I think I would prefer that. It’s like being in your car and knowing you’re about to wreck into someone or they are about to hit you, so you tense up and try to prepare yourself for it but wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t see it coming? That way you didn’t have time to tense up and try to prepare for something that you know and can clearly see is out of your control at this point. Maybe it’s just me but I would rather be surprised or caught off guard. Having time to prepare for something that is….that is…I don’t know the word that would justify what Maxwells birthday is to me so for lack of a term I will just say, that is what it is and it leaves me trying to fill every second of every minute of every hour of every day with things that keep my mind from being idle. I am my own worst enemy and my idle mind is just as guilty. It’s about the worst thing I could do to myself. So for weeks I’ve been passing the time with work and Emery and I’ve found myself reading books I’ve already read, jumping from conversation to conversation and reading nothing in between. Frankly I could care less about the contents of the book I’m just holding on to anything that will allow me to grasp it. At work I find my voice shaking when I answer someone’s question of how are you because I’m afraid they know what I know….his birthday is coming and I’m a mess, inside, I’m a complete mess and I’m just praying that I’m keeping it together on the outside.

it leaves me wondering if every September and January will be like this? A part of me hopes that it will be and the other part shutters at the thought of being this….lost and empty. I will never be able to explain how much (I wish you could see how many times I have written and deleted this sentence just trying to find the right words) hurt, blame, guilt, loss, emptiness I feel every day from losing my son, the feelings are palpable. When you lose a child no matter how short or long you got to keep them. The moment you lose them you not only lose their future but yours as well. Its like you’re in the dark and can’t see your hand in front of your face let alone see what your dim future might hold. It’s a dark place to be and it’s easy to stay in and I know no one would blame me if I did but I couldn’t stay. Maxwell gave me a light and her name is Emery and I will forever be in awe of that gift and do my best everyday to deserve it, I just wish Maxwell was still here to see it. I hate not knowing what he would like at 2yrs old, it kills me to have to guess at what my son would like, because I deserve to know. I shouldn’t have to guess. So as I try to keep my mind from being idle I have guessed that he would be into dinosaurs. I thought about the whole super hero or Mickey Mouse thing but then I saw this cute green (maxwells favorite color) dinosaur cake and it just seemed like something he would like so I’m going to make him that cake and no matter how it turns out I know he would’ve loved it because it’s sweet and full of sugar! Every kids dream! ๐Ÿ™‚

until next time xoxo

FL&R

+ - 1 comment

Laurie - You inspire me with your strength and courage every day. You are an amazing fighter Paige. I can’t imagine the pain you have gone through and still go through, yet you have found a voice and a positive outlook that inspires others and helps to not only heal them but yourself as well. You are loved and supported and I wish I could help heal your heart. Max will always be remembered and loved and I have no doubt he watches over your family. Sending you hugs during this tough time. Keep writing and sharing. It helps you and so many others that read your words. XOXOX

Time

Most people, out of pure kindness will say, time heals all. We’ve all heard this phrase throughout our life and although it’s a very nice, hopeful gesture, it isn’t true. As time goes on I am never not sad when I think about Maxwell and I know there will never come a time when I think about what happened and not feel overwhelming sadness and emptiness. The loss of him is something that time can never heal. It’s a harsh reality that I am slowly coming to terms with but nevertheless it is my new reality. When the tragedy of Maxwell first happened my world completely stopped and I genuinely thought that everyone else’s would too. How could life continue to go on without my son? I didn’t get it and I didn’t want to get it. Maxwell was my entire life, my only reason for existing and then as quickly as my eyes closed to sleep he was taken and I was left with nothing. So as time passed, very quickly to me, I realized that the world and people don’t/can’t wait for you to catch up. It’s not because they don’t care or have forgotten the awful thing that happened to you. It’s simply because they have lives of their own with kids, family, and friends that fill up their time, as they should. This was very hurtful to me until I realized I would be doing the same thing. If this happened to someone else my life would go on and my time would be filled with taking care of Maxwell and the other day to day things.

Just the other day I spoke to a guy who had lost his wife because I knew if anyone could relate to how I was feeling it would be him. Here lately I’ve been happy, really happy and I know that’s because of Emery and I thank God and Maxwell every night for blessing me with her. With that being said I also feel tremendous guilt and I hate that as time goes on I have less and less time to be sad. Maybe that didn’t come out right…it’s hard to explain. I’m torn because every day I am so happy for Emery and then I feel guilty because Maxwell deserves for me to be sad but I can’t always pay him the sadness he deserves because Emery doesn’t deserve for her mommy to be sad. She deserves my all and that is what I will give her every day without fail. I guess there will always be a tug of war on my heart and emotions and the never ending guilt for giving into those emotions, whichever way they decide to take me.

So as time goes by….I don’t know how to end this entry….i have grown to hate time because I can’t control it.

time will never heal what I have lost and it will never mend the part of my heart and soul that is forever gone, but if I allow it, my time can be filled with happiness. Time does not heal all, it just gets filled with other parts of your life that continue to exist and eventually that turns into things that make you happy. You won’t understand how it’s even possible but when you’re given such a beautiful gift as I was given with Emery you can’t help but to be over the moon excited about everything she brings to your life. It’s pure joy!

until next time xoxo

FL&R

+ - 2 comments

Kelly - I have never had the “time heals all wounds” theory out into perspective until now. You are absolutely right. Time doesn’t make things less sad but allows us the opportunity to bring much more into our lives so our thoughts are no longer confined to what breaks our hearts. Time makes things seem easier when in reality they aren’t easier just less weighing when balanced with everything else that has been presented. Thank you for that clarification because I now understand why I’ve struggled for well over a year with the loss of a relationship… I had not really had much else come into my life to take focus off of my sadness so even with time I still felt (and still often feel) broken. It makes perfect sense-and you are so blessed to have Emery to help you fill your time with new thoughts and goals and joy to counterbalance your grief. Love you!

Jenna - Well said. I have never thought of it this way. I will definitely put this in a different light when comforting myself and others. โ˜บ๏ธ