I stopped by to see you on Christmas morning, right after the girls were done opening their gifts, wondering the whole time what you would’ve asked santa for this year, and I did something I’ve never done. I refrained from saying, “I’m sorry”. As much as I felt it, thought it, and wanted to I couldn’t bring myself to say it to you again. You’ve heard it too many times, all the times I speak it aloud and the times I scream it inside my head. No matter how much I say those two words to you it will never change the outcome. So, instead I promised you I would never give up trying to be a better version of myself each day, for you and for Emery. I want so badly to be someone you’re proud of, someone you’re proud to say, “that’s my mom”. So, my sweet boy, instead of apologizing I will continue down this path, this journey, and no matter how hard or long the days might seem I will continue to move forward and try my best to be patient with myself especially on days when I feel like I haven’t moved at all but am trying so hard.
I read a book recently and it’s hands down my favorite. It appealed to me in a way I didn’t even think was possible. I blindly bought a handful of random books that Emma Watson had given her approval on to help pass the time and what I’ve ended up finding is, I was meant to read each of those books and they have each helped me in a different way but the one that helped me the most out of all of these was, Love Letters to the Dead by Ava Dellaira. Everything I have been feeling but not able to verbalize, she could and at the very end there is a paragraph that sums up her grief (she lost her sister) and no words have ever rang more true in my heart and soul. (In the below paragraph I’ve replaced her sisters name with Maxwell)
“But I think the thing that takes me the most courage is realizing that as many oceans as I might cross, the stupid simple truth will always be on the other side. Maxwell was here and then he was gone. I loved him with all of my soul, and he died. And no guilt or anger or longing changes that. There’s a new sadness now, as I open the fist I’ve been clenching shut and realize that there’s nothing there. I don’t know how to keep him anymore.”
This is where I’m currently at in my grief path. I know what I need to do to move forward but I don’t know what that looks like yet so I’m constantly fighting myself…wishing my heart would catch up to my mind. Forgiveness is what I’ve been chasing. Such an overwhelming word for me to say let alone apply to myself as it pertains to you. Another excerpt from the book that explains what I’ve been waiting for since the day I lost you…
“Sometimes when we say things, we hear silence. Or only echoes. Like screaming from inside. And that’s really lonely. But that only happens when we weren’t really listening. It means we weren’t ready to listen yet. Because every time we speak, there is a voice. There is the world that answers back.”
I have heard silence. But I now, from this book, realize it’s because I’m not ready yet. I think the silence and lack of forgiveness, for myself, go hand in hand. Once I figure out what forgiveness looks like to me, maybe then I will be ready to hear the voices and answers I’ve been praying for since the day I lost you. Almost 5 Years now…that’s a long time to live in silence and an even longer time to live in punishment (self inflicted). So, I promise to never give up or stop trying. I love you and miss you everyday.
Until next time