My Sweet Maxwell,
It’s been 4 years.
4 years, 1,460 days, countless hours, too many minutes, and an unbearable amount of seconds have passed since I had to say goodbye to you. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long and at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe because I’m not the same…how could I be? You changed me. From the first moment I held you in my arms and looked at you, everything in this crazy world made sense to me. Bringing you into this world was my ah-ha moment, where everything up until then hadn’t made sense and I didn’t understand my life, where I was going, what I was doing, and then I held you. That’s all it took to bring my world into focus. One look at you and it all made sense. I knew exactly who I was, my purpose in life, and I had never been more confident then what I was in that moment when I first held you. So you can imagine how catastrophic my pain was the morning I woke up to find that my purpose was gone. Everything I just thought I had found, I lost in a moment.
I’m constantly being told that you would want me to be happy and I have fought myself over this for a long time (still do) but I hope that’s true and I hope I’m not letting you down. I’m trying very hard, everyday, to be better than I was the day before. For you and for Emery. I don’t know how long it will take to stop fighting myself (I’m pretty stubborn), but I’m working on acceptance. That’s what I hope to gain next.
So at Pure Barre, where I workout, they have started this chalkboard wall and it says Today I Am…or Today I Will…and you fill in the blank. For some reason those two things kept popping into my head, as if forcing me to fill in those blanks and accept them, which has been a constant struggle for me (as previously stated)…acceptance.
Nevertheless, Today I Am inconsolable and heartbroken. The emptiness I feel is palpable and no amount of the worlds best ‘fillers’ could fill the hole left in my heart. Today I Will let my sadness take over and not worry or exhaust myself with what I think I should be doing, saying, feeling or how I should be acting for everyone else. Tomorrow will be different but today I’m a complete mess. I miss my son. I miss the way he felt in my arms and what’s different this year than last is that I can’t remember how he felt when I was holding him. I hate that…it took 365 days to lose that feeling but my mind seems to hold onto the things I desperately need it to let go of.
Maxwell, (I have written and deleted this sentence so many times so I’m just going to be honest and say what’s in my heart) I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you and I hope you can forgive me. I love you, miss you, and think of you everyday. Until we are together again may God fill you with all the love, hugs, and kisses that heaven has to offer. I love you so much my sweet baby boy.
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”
Until next time