Tonight, 12/9/16 Emery said maxwells name for the first time and pointed to his stocking hanging on the mantel and said, “that’s maxwells stocking.” I was holding her while she said it and I wanted to cry but if we are being honest I can’t tell you the last day I haven’t cried. The holidays are hard. It’s a time you spend with your loved ones and family and half of mine will forever be missing as well as half of my heart. I had cried earlier that day and didn’t have it in me to cry again so I just took in the moment for its most pure and innocent form…from the eyes and heart of a child. The moment passed as quickly as it came to Emery but I will be left with that memory forever.
Before all of this happened I received a text from one of my neighbors asking Emery and I to come down for dinner. I didn’t want to impose but I am forever thankful for that invitation. I needed that adult interaction more than she will ever know and I enjoyed being around her kids as well and so did Emery. Her oldest was born about a month after Maxwell and her youngest sweet boy is a little over a year old. I love being around them because the older one gives me some insight into the things Maxwell might be saying, singing, and doing while the sweet baby reminds me of the milestones Maxwell had yet to reach but would’ve had he still been here. Fills my heart with so much joy to see both of them and then to see Emery ‘play’ with them.
What she didn’t know is that I’ve cried everyday since before thanksgiving but she didn’t need to know that to invite me over and have a conversation. Sometimes the smallest things are exactly what we need to keep us hoping and going for the next day and holding on to the thought that there is always tomorrow. It’s hard to remember all the people who love, care, and think of you when you’re in a dark place and that dark place is consuming you…Like I said before, holidays are hard, but I came home to about 8 Christmas cards that were sent to me and Emery and even without opening and knowing who they were from they helped to bring me out of that darkness and to realize I’m lucky and thankful to have all of the love and support from so many people. As Christmas gets closer and the anniversary of Maxwells passing I’m going to try with all that I have to hold onto that love and support because in the end that is what gets you through the day and leaves you hoping that tomorrow will be better. Without those people and their never ending support I fear I would remain in the darkness far longer than I should and for that I am forever grateful.
Happy Holidays to all!
Until next time