Recently one of my friends brought up that the only room they had yet to see in my house since all of the changes was the guest bedroom and I thought that was strange but then I remembered I keep the bedroom doors shut when I leave for work in the morning so my dog doesn’t go in there when he gets bored. Emery’s room and the guest bedroom are the only 2 rooms with carpet so Baxter is not welcomed lol. Emery’s door of course gets opened once we get home after work but the guest bedroom stays closed because I don’t use it/haven’t had any guests.
I remember when I first bought the house and I thought who will get the ‘bigger’ room with 2 windows? My decision was easier than what I had hoped but I still imagined Maxwell and Emery ‘arguing’ over who got what bedroom and why (not that Emery could really talk at this point so it was a sure win for Maxwell but still fun to imagine). Emery of course got the bigger room and the other was made for guests… so when it came time to move Emery’s furniture into her room there was a piece that just wouldn’t fit, her rocking chair. At this point she didn’t need it so I had my dad and brother put it in the guest bedroom. I find myself drawn to this room and this rocking chair, even though it was never Maxwells, especially when I’m having a hard day. I fell asleep crying in this chair once with Maxwells photo album close to my chest…my mom woke me and asked what I was doing in here and I told her I just fell asleep.
Tonight while putting Emery to bed she said, “mommy you make song?” That’s her way of asking me to sing to her and I have always sang to her the same songs I sang to Maxwell but have added a few since then. So I start to sing a lullaby and this is the same one I happened to be singing to her the day of her 3rd birthday party before her nap that she absolutely did not want to take….screamed in my ear for 45mins to an hour and normally I would’ve lost my patience, as I can imagine any parent would’ve, but that day I remember thinking I’d rather have her like this than not at all. By the time I calmed her down and started singing that lullaby I started to cry because as happy as her birthdays and milestones make me, it’s still time passing, which is a beautiful but in my case agonizing torment because I’m beyond ecstatic to get to watch my beautiful, sweet, stubborn, loving daughter grow but in that same moment time is pulling me further away from Maxwell. So, as I start to cry and am unable to finish the song Emery stops crying and looks at me. She says, “mommy, your eyes wet.” I smiled and said “yes, they are.” She said, “I no like it.” I smiled and said, “mommy doesn’t like it either.” She finally took a nap and her party was perfect!
Tonight, after leaving her room and singing the lullaby I walked past the guest bedroom (door closed), stopped and went in. I laid down in the rocking chair, put the lullaby on my phone and started to cry. I had been holding that in since Emery’s party. I realized while laying here that the door doesn’t stay closed because of Baxter. How utterly silly of me to think and believe that. It stays closed because he should be in it and he’s not and my heart can’t stand the thought of an empty room. So tonight I’m writing this from the rocking chair in the guest bedroom in hopes of making myself acknowledge why the door stays shut…what that means going forward I have no idea but at least now I have a better understanding as to why.
Until next time