There comes a day when you wake up and you’re happy. You don’t realize in the moment how breath takingly beautiful that feeling will feel to you and at the same time trigger guilt and pain. The guilt and pain comes from the surprise of such a distant feeling that you had long ago accepted you would never feel again. After losing Maxwell I had whole heartedly accepted that I would never be able to feel happiness at the level I once did. Having Emery, of course, helped this feeling and I found myself having snippets of happiness because of her. My happiness revolved and focused solely around her, which isn’t necessarily fair to a 2yr old. I realize. But she was all the happiness I had. So for a period of time I found myself forcing a lot. I forced my smile, my laugh, me getting out of bed,conversation, me thinking I was happy, my thoughts of hope, the person I used to be but didn’t know anymore, and just my overall outlook on life. All of this and more, I forced. I’m not proud of it because I know I have much to be thankful for, but when you lose a child, you lose yourself in more ways than one. You lose parts of you, you didn’t even know existed until having a child.
I’m only able to put this in words today because I went to a bridal shower where my patience was running thin. Emery was choosing this day to test me at every turn and throw a 45 minute, ugly cry fit, which made us late to the shower. I found myself feeling guilty (common theme, I know). Guilty that I lost my patience because I should be thankful for getting to see and experience her everyday, in every way, shape, and form because I don’t get to experience Maxwell this way. Then it hit me that for the past month, give or take a couple of days, I’ve been incandescently happy. My aunt and cousins must’ve noticed the change and felt compelled to ask me, what was new in my life. After talking to a couple of my family members separately I noticed the same reaction in all of them. They teared up. This made me realize a couple of things. 1. I’m not as good at forcing things as I thought. 2. People haven’t forgotten Maxwell or me. 3. They have longed for me to find happiness again as much as I had believed I never would.
As September comes into view I’m reminded of a lot of things…some happy and some sad, but at every turn I’m reminded that I have so many people who love and care for me and those same people love and care about Maxwell and Emery. That feeling alone gives me strength and helps me to remember there is always hope and I am never alone.
Until next time